Thursday, December 11, 2008

I feel like i have reached my limit

Today I went for my CT Scan that sets me up for the radiation. I thought it would be a quick in and out but like everything else, it never turns out the way I thought it would.

So in the process I got fitted for my radiation "mask." I barely made it through the "fitting" and I don't know how I am going to go in 17 different times to put it on again for any length of time. I am still processing. I can't even talk about it yet.

To give an idea of the mask, I found some pics online...
(None of these are of me, of course... mine covers my neck but not my shoulders like one of the pics.)

I am having them cut me a nose hole because I just can not handle it. Maybe one for my eyes and mouth too if possible. We will see. But the nose hole is not going to be an option.
Now to fit you with this, they stick the sheet of plastic in a warming oven and make it hot. Then they press it over your face and lock it down in about 5 different places. Then they turn on a super fan to cool it into shape. In the mean time your shoulders are being pressed downward (away from your neck) and your head and neck are resting on a most uncomfortable hard plastic "head holder thingy."
This is all so that the radiation goes to the same exact spots every single time. So that it doesn't hit any "healthy" tissue. Only the infected parts. This... is a good thing. This... is a good thing. This... is a good thing. Ummm, Totto? Tin-man? Is anybody out there?
I can not believe how uncomfortable I am with this radiation thing. I need something to slam me in the face and put things back into perspective. Maybe not. Maybe just another Xanax. Yeah, maybe...
This is all such frickin' mad science. It is all so darn eerie to me.


  1. The Russells are pulling for you and praying and thinking and wanting to kick some ass too. Much love!

  2. OH MY GOSH...that sounds horrible, but I know that you're a super rockin' strong momma that will make it through!!

  3. Love and strength are being sent to you from every corner. It seems inevitable to hit a breaking point and then you have to start building yourself up again and keep going. You are incredible and we love you!!

  4. Ugh. It just sounds awful. I hate that you have to do this. Maybe you can think about the great tattoo you're getting after this is all over while you are in the mask.

  5. Anonymous10:43 AM

    Hang in there Danielle! maybe pretend that this is your new alter-ego, sort of a luchador type. Like Nacho Libre, but the cancer kicking type. You'll be an amazing superhero!